Hope is 1!

Make a Smilebox postcard

Hope turned one yesterday. We had a party for her on Sat. I think she really enjoyed all the attention. And I know she loved the food ;-). We did make an attempt at the Korean Dol table. I did not do any fancy decortations for it, but we dressed her in her Hanbok and set out some objects for her to choose from. She picked the calculator first (I put that out because Raymond is a CPA) so we think that means she will follow in Daddy's footsteps and be good with numbers. And then she picked the $, which ofcourse means she will have lots of wealth. So I guess we will find out in 20 years or so if that holds true.

Yesterday we put the waterslide back up and invited all the neighbors for a water and popcicle party to celebrate. She had lots of fun with the popcicle as you can see from the pictures above.

She is such a wonder girl. We feel so blessed to have her in our family.

But with her birthday comes the reminder that she did not start her life in our family. I have found myself thinking about her birthmom often the past couple of days. I am sure she is thinking of Hope often during this time also. Wondering where she is and what she looks like. I hope her BM has seen her file at the agency in Korea and knows ,atleast, that she is with us, safe, healthy, and loved. And I hope that she has found some peace and comfort in knowing those things.

Church nursery woes.

I just got home from church and I cried most of the way home.

I have been trying to transition Hope into the nursery for the service. The last 2x we went I spent most of the service in the nursery with her and she has been great. In fact the last time I felt a little silly for not leaving her, because she pretty much ignored me the whole time. So today I thought I would take her in again, stay for a while and if things were going well, I would leave her and see what happens.

Before the service started I dropped off my big kids and then went to the nursery to drop off Hope's bag and talk to the worker. I told her that I would be back to play with Hope and that if things went well I would try to leave her for a bit...but that Hope had just come home a couple of months ago and I did not want her to fuss or cry. So if she made even a peep I was to be paged. I said do not wait, I don't mind coming back, I do not want to push her...page me as soon as she starts to fuss at all. We continued our conversation with her having a friend that adopted a little girl from China and the processes and so on..and she agreed to page me if Hope had any issue.

I took Hope to the service with me for a bit (singing and such) and then once things got quieter and Hope did not I took her back to the nursery. I sat with her and played for a bit, then I moved across the room and sat in a chair while she played with the other babies and the attendants. Everything was going well, after about 15mins. so I told the attendants I was going to try to leave, but if she even "peeped" to page me, don't wait. They said fine and I walked out and stood by the door a minute to see if Hope would fuss right away. After about a minute she still seemed fine so I went into service.

15 mins later I sent Raymond out to check on her. He came back and said that she was fussing and crying . My first thought was "why don't you have her in your arms???? " But I could not yell at him in church..so I went straight to the nursery, took my, red eyed teary daughter from someones arms, grabbed her bag and walked out with out saying anything. I was sooo angry and upset. Then I took her in to the "nursing mothers lounge" where I could let her play and cry my eyes out.

Before I left church I did talk to the children's pastor and let him know what happened. And that at this point it is a trust issue I now have with the nursery staff. I can not trust that they will do what I ask them to do, for MY daughter. And I was very clear about what to do if she fussed at all. It makes no difference when she came home, whether she is adopted or bio, or how old she is. They should have done what her mother told them to do, period. Call if she fusses, period. How can I possibly trust that they will call me next time or ever, if there is a next time. He apologized and said he would certainly talk to them about it. But what do I do now?

I don't know when I will be able to trust them again, if ever. And I want to go to church, and listen to the service. We don't have a crying baby room. We only have that "nursing mothers lounge" that dose have a video feed most of the time (though not today). I suppose I will spend my Sunday mornings in there with Hope until I feel up to trying to trust again. Sorry for such a long post....I am just soo soo sad right now.

Hope seems no worse for the wear at this point. I am the one with the scars.